The NHL’s Latest Epidemic

 

Derrick Simpson, May 14

The NHL has a full fledged crisis on their hands. It all started with Corey Perry and Jeff Carter, after that Shawn Thorton and PK Subban, and then King Henrik himself took a cheap shot at a down and out Sidney Crosby. No I’m not talking headshots or insensitive chirping. This issue is much more serious and dangerous. The barbaric deed I am daring to speak of is the act of squirting water at an opponent or his equipment. It’s dangerous, it’s unsportsmanlike and it has to stop.

Matt Dunham/The Associated Press Maybe Hank was still holding a grudge from this?

Matt Dunham/The Associated Press
Maybe Hank was still holding a grudge from this?

The NHL has to take a more disciplined approach to water bottle squirting. A few measly fines (albeit the players are technically not being paid) is not enough to stop this aquatic madness. But, worry not Mr. Bettman for I have a few job saving solutions for you.

Instead of fining the players they (the NHL) could punish the water bottles instead. There is no doubt in my mind that Corey Perry would have thought twice before spraying Jeff Carter’s glove if he knew his lucky water bottle’s safety would be at risk. And really, the water bottles are the main accomplices! Don’t they deserve to be punished as well?

Another great way to keep the water wasters in check would be to just take away the bottles all together. I mean all liquids; water, Gatorade, Powerade, tears of the Pittsburgh Penguins, All of it! Without their precious fluids the players would be unable to commit any more water related rule infractions. Sure they’d probably overheat and a few would pass out from dehydration, but it’s all for the greater good.

This is much more dangerous than it looks.

This is much more dangerous than it looks.

My favourite way to fix this dilemma doesn’t actually “fix” the problem. It would be fought head on by replacing all the hockey sticks with Super Soakers. Let’s see how Shawn Thorton feels when PK Subban responds to his little squirt by completely dousing him in ice cold water. Plus, if the league want to speed up the game, nothing would quicken it up like a good ol’ water gun fight. If you can’t beat ’em, join ’em!

This would give a whole new meaning to the term sniper!

This would give a whole new meaning to the term sniper!

Like what you saw? Think I’m way out in left field? Leave a comment below!

Derrick Simpson, All Day Sportz

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